This Is What We Came Here For
by plum fairy for you
Summary: It doesn't even matter. Not anymore. Not since Tori came. Not since I lost my fear of falling. Most of the time I'm numb, except for when she talks to him, then I'm fully awake. My life isn't what it used to be, and thanks to her, it never will.
1. Chapter 1

"Andre?" I ask sweetly, giving him a subtle smile from across the lunch table. It is the usual crowd at the usual table, though there is just one problem. Tori. She had sat down next to Andre, stealing my usual seat, forcing me to sit next to Jade. That just can't happen, first because Jade hates me (and everyone else, except Beck) and secondly because, by process of elimination, Andre is the best match for me. Meaning, I want to date him and Tori is getting in the way.

"Yeah, Little Red?" He says, giving me a nod . I need to come up with an excuse to get him over here, something ditzy and typical Cat.

"Do you think my French fries taste like glue? Come over here and try one." I say, scrunching up my face and making a point to sound needy. Andre gets up abandoning Tori (mission accomplished). He picks up one of my fries and takes a tentative bite.

"Dang, these do taste like glue!" He announces, sitting down and grabbing a few more. I give a Cat-like giggle, the kind that used to flow so naturally, but I now have to conjure up. Andre attacks my fries, I watch him wistfully. We're not a couple yet, but we got so close! Before, every weekend we would hang out, and he called me all the time, but as soon as Tori showed up he started talking to me less and less.

The bell rings tearing me from my thoughts. Almost everyone had left, but Andre and Tori.

"Bye guys!" I say a little embarrassed, rushing to leave.

"Wait a sec, are you going to the party, Little Red?" Andre asks touching my arm, oh god its nice.

"Uh-huh!" I nod, voice climbing a few octaves.

"See you there!" He says, and we go our separate ways, me to gym, him to math.

XxXxX

I get a ride from Beck and Jade. They give a honk to signal their arrival, my parents are already asleep so it didn't matter. I take the back seat and awkwardly made myself comfortable, making random comments, just like I used to. Beck sings along to show tunes, Jade glares at me; as usual.

The party has already started by the time we arrive. We could hear the music from down the block and cars line the street. It's a pretty nice neighbor hood; hope no one calls the cops. I follow a few feet behind Beck and Jade, not wanting to be the third wheel. Once inside bodies are packed together, everyone's dancing, drinks are everywhere, but my friends are nowhere to be found, Beck and Jade had completely disappeared. I squeeze though groups of people, searching for just one person I know. No luck. I go to the kitchen where someone's puking in the sink and two people are making out on the counter. I roll my eyes, grabbing a beer from the fridge. Might as well get wasted while I'm here right?

"mmm, Andre…" Mumbles the chick on the counter.

"What?" I squawk, spitting out the first sip of beer, and get a closer look at the people on the counter. Why it's no other than Tori and Andre.

"Hey , Little Red!" Andre says, detaching himself from Tori for a minute, then reattaching as soon as he was done with his greeting. Tears prick at my eyes, I run out of the kitchen, beer in my palm. How could they betray me like this? Why would this happen?_ He was never your's_. Of course but, almost! _Almost doesn't cut it._ By now I'm full on crying, make-up running, snot-dripping, and sobbing. No one seemed to notice, no one seemed to care, and here I am feeling like I'm dying while the world was enjoying itself. Needless to say, I chug the rest of my beer.

XxXxX

I think Beck and Jade left, the party's winding down, and its only 2 AM! I lounge on the couch, letting the party pass me by. It's more fun to watch, you learn more about people that way. An unfamiliar boy takes the seat next to me, instinctively I scoot over to make more room.

"Hey, baby were you goin'?" He slurrs at me obviously drunk out of his mind. I squirm, but his hands are to fast, he has my wrists pinned above my head and he's smothering my mouth in sloppy kisses. I try to say no, but he doesn't give me the chance. I can't help but wonder if this is anything like what Andre and Tori did, _how far did they go? Did it mean anything? _

The guy's kisses are getting more aggressive, I don't kiss back. He puts more force into in and forces my jaw open, soon after his tongue is jammed inside. The same questions pop into my head again, _how far did they go? Did it mean anything? _

He's got my wrists in one hand now, and working at my belt with the other. There's no point in fighting back, I know where this is going. I just don't react, I play dead, letting him do whatever he pleases. I don't blink, I don't cry, I don't even wince as he pushes inside me, pumping and sweating. I stay unaffected, I don't care what happens to me any more.

XxXX


	2. Chapter 2

I manage to drag myself home before sunrise. Luckily, "Mommy" and "Daddy" are still sleeping. Carefully, I slip off my, shoe's and pad to the bathroom, because I desperately need a shower. I turn on the water, it's spray icy at first gradually getting hotter. While it runs I take a second to look at myself in the mirror. I don't look any different, hair still red, a few freckles across my cheeks. Then I begin tugging of my clothes, stripping off the fabric until I'm completely naked. Now I look in the mirror again, still the same, small boobs, knobby knees, pale skin.

Though there is one small difference, a white substance is dried onto my upper thigh. I jump into the shower scrubbing that spot, lathering my hand then going again, trying to remove it, after a minute it wipes away clean. I cover a single finger in soap, and clean myself inside, trying to rinse out every trace of him. It burns, but I deserve it.

Embarrassed by my disinfectant ritual I grab my shampoo, trying to do something normal. I soap up, getting every strand of red hair, then drag my fingers through, occasionally snagging on a tangle; I just rip them out. I rinse and repeat, tugging at my hair even more this time, ripping out some here and there. It feels good, even better it _feels_. I haven't _felt _anything in so long, this helps. I've done this so many times before, but I have to be careful not to pull too much out or someone might notice. What I do is called Trichotillomania, I've googled it , turns out a lot of people do it and I'm not a total freak.

By now the water was running cold, it doesn't stop me. Soon I hop out and wrap myself in a towel. Before I leave I take a tissue from the box and get the hair ball out of the drain. I dispose of the evidence and slip into my room.

xXxxxX

A light knock at my door wakes me. My mom's face peeps through the open crack.

"Good morning sweetie." She says, a bit timidly. She's been afraid of me ever since I started dying my hair, and plastered my walls with band posters.

"Good morning." I yawn, checking my clock and noticing I only had four hours of sleep last night.

"I made you some breakfast." she says, taking a few steps forward to place the cereal bowl on my bed. I thank her and eat a couple spoonfuls, but she still lingers in my door frame.

"What?" I say, looking at her quizzically.

"I made an appointment for you with doctor Martin this afternoon. You remember him right?" She says. Of course I remember Dr. Martin, he was a psychologist that my parents made me see when Grandma died.

"Why?" I ask flatly.

"Because you just haven't been acting like yourself recently, Cat. I think he will be able to help." She says, then turns and walk away. I'm furious, I don't want to see a therapist, it's just stupid, I'm fine how

I am. Angrily, I finish my fruity pebbles and get dressed.

XxXxX

"Cat, do you know why you're here today?" Dr. Martin asks, peering out of his horn-rimmed glasses. By his patronizing tone and almost-smug smile, I can tell he's expecting me to act like the Cat who would hit herself with pillows for no apparent reason. I'm not in the mood to act today, so I roll my eyes and give him a flat "No".

"Your mother was worried about you spending less time at home, and your attitude change." His voice had an edge as he said the last part.

"I'm growing up, she can't accept that. You really should have _her_ here instead." I say, looking him dead in the eyes.

"I'm sensing some hostility towards her, did she do anything to upset you?" He says, voice a little softer now. I take a minute to realize how vague that question was, he never specified my mother; it could have been anyone. Maybe a certain Tori.

"She hasn't done anything." I say through half gritted teeth.

"Based on your reaction, I just can't believe that." He smirks, I want to punch him in the face.

"I'm not lying." I say harshly, he keeps talking and asking questions but I tune him out, spending the rest of our session in peace and quiet.

**XxXxX**

**Authors Note: Hey, thanks for reading this far. I did leave an a/n in the first chapter, sorry ****J. So, what did ya' think? Please leave a review, it would mean so much! I also apologize for the short chapters so far, they'll get longer soon, I promise! -Jade**


	3. Chapter 3

Mother has her lips pursed, and her knuckles are white on the steering wheel. I recline in the passenger seat, legs crossed Indian style. Apparently, Dr. Martin has told her all about how I "resisted" therapy. Every few seconds she gives a long sorrowful sigh, as if I'm about to ask her what's wrong and we can have a _Gilmore Girls_ worthy confessional. No, not happening. I put on my headphones, expecting to spend the rest of the 45 minute car ride listing to music, but no. Right as my thumb hovers over the play button, Mother gives another harsh sigh.

"What?" I say with a groan, glaring her way, she glances at me and looks frightened at my hostility. _Good._

"Cat, why can't you just talk to Dr. Martin?" She pleads. I grid my teeth, holding back all the things I want to say like, because he can't help me, or because I don't want help.

"I don't like him." I finally huff, staring out the window. Mother seems relived.

"How about I make an appointment with a different therapist for next weekend then?" she says, sounding motherly. Bullshit.

**XxXxXxX**

Monday morning comes here way to quickly, I put myself on auto-pilot to get dressed and eat cereal. Mother drives me to school, she tries to tell me something, but I'm not listening.

Somehow I manage to get to my locker, where Andre is waiting. He hasn't done that since before Tori came here. I smile instantly.

"Hey, Andre!" I say, swiftly entering my combination, and fussing with some books.

"Hey, Little red." He says, giving me a warm smile.

"What's up?" I ask casually, still fumbling with my books.

"Not much. Were you at that party the other night? I got so drunk, man, I can't remember anything." He sighs, tucking his hands in his pockets. I gulp, the image of him and Tori kissing enters my mind.

"Yeah I was there, but I didn't see you." I lie, hoping nothing jogs his memory.

"Hey guys!" Tori interrupts, making a bee-line toward Andre. Her arms are all over him, in some sort of messy, molest-y, hug. I hold back the urge to gag.

"Uh, hi Tori." Andre says, stepping out of the embrace.

"Aw, come on Andre. Remember Friday? You weren't so shy then…" She whispers nuzzling up against his neck. Anger bubbles within me, to keep from shouting out, I focus all my energy on extricating my math book from my locker. Working hard to not look at _them._

"What? Tori, why are you being so touchy?" Andre say, backing away from her. I get my hopes up, peeking from behind my locker door. Tori's face falls.

"What do you mean?" She says trembling. Here come the water works, she's such a drama queen. Andre turns to face her.

"I don't like you." He says, taking another step back.

"But on Friday, all that stuff that happened. I thought we were together!" She whines.

"I don't remember. Sorry if I led you on." He says, obviously not meaning it. I hide my face in my locker, to mask my smile. Tori is sobbing by now, I notice how Andre gives no sympathy.

"Fuck you!" She screams, running away. I bet, in her mind she expects us to run after her, and comfort poor Tori who just got her heart broken. Boo-freaking-who.

"Well, that was interesting." I sigh, toning down my Cheshire-cat grin, to a small smirk, and leaning against my locker. Something flickers in Andre's eyes.

"Yeah, Little red. You want to hang out after school?" He asks.

"Yeah! Deff, that sounds fun!" I say, unconscientiously using my airhead voice. Wow, first time I didn't have to force myself too, since I met Tori.

"Cool." He nods, leaning in for a hug. It's light, our arms barely touch, fast and shocking. My heart flutters, and I mutter a small "Bye" as Andre turns to leave. The spots wear his arm brushed my shoulders still tingle.

God, how am I going to concentrate on school for the next 6 hours?

**Authors note: I'm sorry for the wait. There have just been so much end-of-school stuff and the occasional "Oh hey my computer has a virus! Why the hell didn't I back up my files?" going on. It's a bad excuse but, yeah, it happened. Please tell me what you thought, and how to improve in the REVIEWS! Seriously, it helps a lot, its probably the main reason why I remember to update things… Anywho thanks for reading! BUH-BYE!**


	4. Chapter 4

Andre is the sweetest; he dropped me off home with a kiss on the cheek. Of course Mother was waiting, violently knitting in the living room, seated on the coach with a steaming cup of tea in front of her. Once she was done with her row, _God forbid she drop a stich_, she looked to me. Giving me the fakest motherly smile I'd ever seen.

"How was your night? I have a couple other therapist lined up, tell me what you think of them." She said. _Oh god not this again, I should have stayed outside. _

"You know what mom? I think the last one fixed me, I feel perfectly fine!" at this her mask dropped, and she became the old bitchy woman I was accustomed to sharing a house with.

"Come here." She said coldly, beckoning me with a needle. Smart enough to do what she said, I shuffle up next to her. She grabs hold of my left arm, pulling the sleeve down to reveal the white lines that remained from my previous freak outs.

"I don't want this happening again. So, you _will_ see this therapist, and you will do everything in your power to get better." She firmly states, though I've heard it before, every single time I suggest quitting therapy, she says the same thing, and it always has the same affect.

Holding back tears I march up the stairs to my bathroom, going directly to the shower to get my razor. I hack at the plastic frame with scissors until I can pull a blade free. I turn it over in my fingers a few times, admiring the metal.

_It's all Mothers fault really; I only feel like this when she says shit like this to me. I have so many issues, I'm not worthy of Andre. He's so handsome and perfect; he should date a normal girl, like Tori. Although she she's annoying as fuck at least she's sane._

And this is when I start crying my eyes out, and let the razor do its job.

7:00 am was when Mother found me, half bleed out, and almost blue. I woke up at the hospital, right when a nurse was sticking me with an IV needle. She was African American with big eyes and a kind smile.

"This won't hurt a bit, doll" she cooed, before puncturing my arm. I nodded after, because that's all I could do. Even lying down I felt so light-headed, that I might pass out.

Every few hours the nurse would come back and check on me, most of the time I pretended to sleep, it was easier not to see her pitied eyes.

By noon, I truly felt ill. I needed nourishment, that didn't come through a needle. The kindly nurse came in thirty minutes later with what looked to be lunch.

"It's good you're awake again" she said placing the tray next to me. I examined the tray seeing some type of white soup, crackers, orange juice, and a granola bar. _Hospital food isn't as bad as they say._ I go for the crackers first, noting that the nurse was still looking at me.

When she acknowledges my gaze, she seemed a bit flustered.

"I'm sorry, it's just that your awfully skinny, and usually girls who….ya' know, also don't…" she mumbled, I put up a hand understanding what she meant. _I look messed up enough to be anorexic. _

"I have dance rehearsal six days a week for five hours, all that dancing burns fat before I can eat it." I give her a timid smile, my figure was actually something I was proud of, considering how hard I worked for it.

"Really? Are you a professional or something?" She asked amazed, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. Blushing a bit I a shook my head.

"No, not yet at least. It's just because I go to a preforming arts school" I say shyly.

"Oh! So does my son, he got in on a scholarship to Hollywood Arts." She said proudly.

"Really? That's where I go! What's his name? I might know him." I squealed.

"Andre, he's got the voice of an angel." She said.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disor_der. _Dis_order. Dis_order. _Well, I couldn't possibly have one of those. Could I?

The diagnosis came quick, one or two sessions with Mr. Swaine (my new therapist, since Mr. Martin wasn't doing it for me anymore) and he had me pegged as a crazy. The man was older with graying fuzz on his head, and I couldn't quite tell if he was a light-skinned black, or a tan white. He spoke to you with an ambiguous coy smile for pleasant topics, and a rock-hard grimace for "the tough stuff". His eyes were the light brown of milky coffee, and every time I looked into I swear I could taste bitter coffee at the back of my throat.

"Well, Catharine, I think I should start you on an antidepressant, then from there we'll see what else you might need." He was speaking in an _it's time to go_ fashion, and scribbling something out at his desk. I stood up, making a "mhhmm" sort of agreement. He was the expert after all. Mr. Swain handed me the prescription note, and we said our good byes.

The worst thing about our appointments would have to be the drive back. Mother always asked how they went, and would pry to find out what I could tell a $200per-hour therapist, but not my own parents.

Since, the time I entered the building it had begun to drizzle, and clouds that looked like giant grey pieces of chewed gum stuck to the sky. My Mother's car was waiting right outside, and upon entering it we did our _'how'd it go?' 'fine'_ routine, then I turned up the radio, and chewed on the inside of my cheeks for the rest of the trip.

It was a bit of a blow to my self-esteem, just the mere fact that I had to go talk to a therapist. I'd had a normal childhood, and seemed well adjusted. Until I started dying my hair-red and popping any pill I could find. When I started hating myself barely anyone noticed, they all thought '_oh look Cat's gone off and done something with her hair.' _Or _'It's just an actress thing'._ I'd always been the star of productions at my old schools, getting accepted to Hollywood Arts was a big deal for me. Suddenly, there were a thousand other actors just as good as me competing for a minor part, or a good grade. I needed something to separate myself from the crowd, so I dyed my hair and did anything I could to get what I wanted. From sleeping around to, putting Nair in my competitors shampoo bottles, I always got my way.

We pull into the drive way, and I get inside before mother. Father isn't home, but I'm sure he will be soon. So I lock myself upstairs to avoid any more parental contact. After sprawling out on my clothes covered bed, I flip open my lap top to find a long list of IM's from Jade. Surprisingly, she's been with me through this whole ordeal, and is still by my side.

_Jaded2334: How'd the session go? _

_Jaded2334: Herrrrroooooo?_

_Jaded2334: respond bitch you should be back by now!_

_KittyCat94: Calm down, it went good! I got myself a prescription for some serious shit._

_Jaded2334: Good, take that shit, in the CORRECT doses, don't fuck around okay? I've been where you are…_

_KittyCat94: chill, I won't! Oh and did I tell you? When I was still in the hospital, Andre's Mom was my nurse! Do you think he knows?_

_Jaded2334: I don't think so, the story going around school is that you fell off the stage and got a bad concussion. _

_KittyCat94: Okay good, I already have enough bad rumors going around about me :P_

_Jaded2334: Don't worry, no one has said anything bad._

"Cat! Cat!" screamed parental unit number one. "You have a guest!" Added parental unit

number two.

_KittyCat: They will, but BRB, kay?_

_ Jaded2334: Kay, and they will not! Everyone thinks you're seriously hurt!_

I stomp downstairs, trying to make my creators understand my teenage angst is acting up again. But when I reached the Living room Andre was there, sitting on our couch. Luckily my parents were nowhere to be found.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"Checking up on you. My mom said you…that…you tried to off yourself." He says, looking up at me from his seat, twisting his hands like a nervous child. I raised an eyebrow, and collapse next to him burying my face in a throw pillow.

"It's not that simple." I murmur, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Tell me everything." He whispers putting a hand on my shoulder. He doesn't really care, I can tell, but I'm okay with indulging his curiosity. I squeezed the pillow to my chest and took a deep breath.

"I wasn't trying to die, I was trying to hurt. I did a lot of stupid shit, then I started to fall for you but, you liked Tori, so I gave up. Then you started to give me chance, but I got bad, really bad…and couldn't stop myself." I'm mumbling and tripping over some of my words, but it's nice to say it all out loud, to someone who's not paid to hear it. Then He put a hand behind my head and leans in. He gives me a slow kiss, all lip, but our mouths open and we exchange a few short breaths. It keeps going, just lip on lip, his our rough, and he has some stubble coming in so I feel raw when he stops.

"I don't want you to ever feel that way again, okay?" He says, looking at me deep.

"Okay."

**Authors not: I'm eternally sorry for how long the wait had been for this chapter, sorry if it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the story, but keep in mind boarding school is not an ideal place to keep up with fanfic's. Review, they help me update faster, they really do!**


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